Monthly Archives: December 2016

Extremely Bad Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Fresh off the heels of my discovery of some positively horrible Lord of the Rings fan fiction, I now present you with some incredibly terrible Harry Potter fan fiction. I’m really having trouble figuring out which is worse.

Maybe I’m just feeling a bit moody today, but then again maybe it’s because I spent over three hours reading fan fiction and now I think I’ve lost a solid 10 IQ points. I need to pour over the New York Times to try and get it all back.

BTW, do you know that the fan fiction site I linked to above has over 755 thousand submissions on Harry Potter alone?!?

Harry Potter and the Bathroom of Secrets

(author’s name withheld)

My name is the Gryffindor.

From the moment I was born, I remembered I was trained as an assassin.

It was tough, but my master was a stern but just master.

Still, sometimes I would lay awake in bed and hope that one day, I would find my parents and that we could be a family together again. My master told me that if I survive my first mission, he would help me find my parents.

And so I did my first mission (it was easily, it only required me to kill a family of two with a carbomb). And so my master tried to find my parents. But they were already dead.

I realized I was all alone in the world.

I was all alone now, I thought back to happier times…

‘”wait a minute…is that the new forign exchange student?”‘

‘”Whoa…shes pretty isnt she!” said harry’

‘”..and thats one short skirt!”‘

‘”Heya Harry!”‘

…but it didn’t change the fact I was now alone. All alone.
All alone except me and my master.

My master’s organisation was employed by an illustrious person: he-who-must-not-be-named(voldemort). And one day I came back from school.

I came into the assassin’s hanger

“Master,” I said, “I’m sooo tired of having to go to school. Everyone’s a poser there.”

“Hush, little child,” he said, “I have a new mission for you!”

“Oooh great!” I said with joy, “I’ll get right on it!”

“It is very simple,” the master said as he showed me the map of the iggloo I had to infiltrate.

“First, you need to say a passphrase to a guard there. When he says Exodus, you say Long In The Tooth.”

“Alright I can do that,” I said as I wrote it down.

“And then you need to sneak through the hallways, into the kitchen where a maid has prepared a poisonous Vodka.

“Right, easy,” I said.

“And then you need to give it to the President, and then it will kill him.”

“The President?! I said surprised.

“Yes, we are contracted to kill the President.”

“But President Hermione is a great president!”

“Hush little boy. You have been trained as an assassin to kill people. This must be done.”

“Ok Master,” I said in great turmoil. Because the Master didnt know that… in fact…. I was in love with the witch

I had been to President many times before. Occasionally, on dark evenings when I’m laying alone in bed feeling abandoned by the harsh world, I put on my assassin’s gear and go outside.

Then I visit the President’s palace. I sneak past the guards and I set myself atop a tree branch just before the President’s room and I watch President Hermione sleep.

She looked to peaceful when they were sleeping. As if there was no horror in the world.
As if assassins like me did not exist.

But we do. I feel bad for being the way I am, but I can’t help it.

I was bron an assassin. My parents are dead. There is no love for me in this world.

And now I had to kill the one person that I loved in this world. “Life is unfair,” I sat to myself. And thus I must fulfill my obligation as an assassin.

So I sneaked in and did what the Master told me to do. It was easy.

But when I came to the room with the President, I hesitated. I could not put the poisonous white spirit down. The smartest witch of her year was just too dear to me! I loved the brown eyed girl.

But that moment of doubt became my downfall. As the President turned around and looked me right in the eyes.

Harry?, Hermione said.

My breath stopped, my heart was about to explode and my eyes welled up.

“It’s not what you think!” I said.

But of course it was what Hermione Granger thought. I was an assassin. I had to accept it.

“Oh my god, Harry, not you!” Hermione Granger cried out. Taers welled up in her eyes and soon they came flooding down her cheek.

“Nooooo,” the President said, “I LOVED YOU!” (A/N ZOMG *swoon* Amirite?!)

“I LOVE YOU TOO,” I cried out while I threw the poisonous gin & tonic on the floor.

“LET’S BE TOGETHER FOR ALWAYS.”

“OK!”

“It is Voldemort who is behind this assassination!

And so the President told the army to arrest the evil man.

“I love you so much,” said President Hermione.

“I love you too.” I said.

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Extremely Bad Lord of the Rings Fan Fiction

Here’s an exceptionally bad piece of Fan Fiction I encountered recently. The actual author wishes to remain anonymous out of pure shame. Read on and see why. I cannot abide by this terrible writing.

Lord of the Rings: One Ring of Wonder

We now turn out headlights to full beam in order to gaze forward though the mists of time.
The light from them reflects off, not a deer, but a scene 10 years from now – one decade into the future.

Arwen Undmiel enters the scene, but what’s this? The strong woman is there too.

“Do you remember that thing that happened 10 years ago? The one that seemed like it would split us apart forever, but instead brought us closer then ever? That brought us……to each-other?”

“The time with the One Ring?”

“Yes!”

“Oh, yes right”

“Its hard to believe what happened isn’t it? What happened and what it led to”

“Yes my sweetness” said The female Elf, giving The beautiful woman a kiss.

“Now that I have remembered it again I will never forget it.”

“It was pretty life changing.”

So we now dim our headlights and reverse drive back to the presence, the mists closing back around the future and the camera of our mind drawing back to the world we know of as the now.

This is the story of one loan heroes struggle to overcome to the forces of evil. This indestructable heroes name: Aragorn!”

lotr-party

Meanwhile, back in the future, Arwen and the blonde were enjoying each other.

As the narrator, I will respect their privacy and not specify how. Its certainly clear they were close.

Not just metaphorically but physically with their bodies as well.

The strong woman was distracted though, thinking back to the past. We join her on her flashback, a flashback to our story in the present……


Hi.
My name is Serenity and this is my story.

A year ago got a job working for NATO. I am just a intern, but already I am fitting in like “one of the boys” (I am a girl though!)

In fact my boss, Steve, has taken a real shine to me and has said he will let me play around with one of NATOs big things.

I cant wait!

Despite working at NATO, I am also friends with Aragorn and most of his entourage. I know Aragorn and Arwen and Galadriel and Legolas and Boromir. I met them all awhile ago in my backstory and these days I had known them awhile.

I call on them for help quite often.

By co-incidence, this was one of those times!

“Hay Serenity we need the help of you and the NATO again”
“Sure thing the ranger my man you know you can count on the NATO!”

After that I put down the phone and started telling everyone else whats up.
“Ok, gang” I said to the rest of NATO.

“Aragorn has asked for our help. It seems Brotherhood of Evil is up to their old tricks, and we are the best people to take them down!”

“They are after the Ring, but we have to get there first else we are all doomed to a hellish futurpoclypse!”

“What do we do?” said NATO

“That’s easy. We do what the NATO always does – fight evil”

Now it was tomorrow and I was assembling my team.

I first choose Strider, who I had called in specially as our outside expert.

I then choose Serenity as they were good at stuff.

Also Bob from our private army so we had someone disposable who wouldn’t be needed in future stories.

I also choose myself, due to my all around abilities.

After everyone was chosen me and The Heir of Isildur started planning.

We were in the main planning room, there was a huge whiteboard, a projector, a screen, holograms and a blackboard.

This was the room where NATO planned stuff.

Much of the good work we did started here.

Like the time we defeated Sauron and converted him to good and made him work for us.
Or the time we saved the world from that rogue planet.

Or the time we saved Christmas.

I got out my pen and paper and started discussing the plan.

“I have been doing research and stuff in our database library. The One Ring is hidden inside Brussels”

“Ahh…it makes so much sense! Why didn’t we think of it before!” said Aragorn

“The clues where written in a ancient language”

“oh, right, of course”

“Now what?” said Arwen

“Now we leave for Brussels!”

With that we all got onto the NATO Jump-Jet and flue to the distant city of Brussels!


And now, with that, we once again turn our head-brains to the future, stepping forward down the road of time and walking for 10 years until we get to the place in time which this takes place.

The long haired woman and The female Elf were just finishing. Out of respect for their privacy I will not specify what they were just finishing.

“arg…that was good ” said The female Elf.

“yes, yes it was” said The beautiful woman.

“You seemed a little distracted near the end though. Not your normal energetic self”

“yes…sorry about that. I was thinking back to a decade ago, when I first realized my feelings for you even though I didn’t know it at the time.

Its what opened my eyes to what I felt all along. The missing jigsaw piece to my heart in which you were the key to unlock”

“And our love grew together from that moment to blossom into the great tree that it is today”

“I love you The black haired woman my irresistibleness”.
“I love you too Lady Finarfin -my better half.

And they smiled the smile of lovers at each-other, as we fade out into the sunset.
Once we got to Brussels we decided to split up, with me and Strider finding where the One Ring was hidden and the rest doing something which doesn’t mater for the story.

Me and Aragorn explored the town, checking out all the nightclubs and skyscrapers in Brussels.

Eventually, after I had done enough teamwork, I found where the Ring was hidden.
It was inside a new church in the dead center of Brussels.

“Look! Its the One Ring!”

“But Sauron is here already! whats going on?”

At that moment the sorceror spotted us and came over.

“Mahaha it was me! I was Brotherhood of Evil all along!”

“What?” we said in shock..

“While you and your goody-two-shoes NATO were being all ‘la-de-da’ “we are good guys” la-de-da’, I was being Brotherhood of Evil!

And now I have the Ring there is nothing you can do to stop me! Even with Aragorn to help you! your powerless”

The man of lies grinned evily at me.

“oh, noees Serenity, what will we do now?! ” said The longhaired man.

“Dont worry, we still got time. Activating the One Ring takes time. If we both Destiny together we can take Sauron/Brotherhood of Evil out! ”

“On the count of 3! 1 2 3 GO!”

With that we both Destiny together right into Brotherhood of Evils face.

Brotherhood of Evil stagged backwards.

“Nooooo you cant!”

“Again quick! while they are stunned”.

So we did it again. “Bam! Pow!”

“Noooo!”

With that Brotherhood of Evil died.

“We did it! Brotherhood of Evil is defeated once and for all! Thank you Serenity!”

Me and Aragorn celebrated are victory. But it was only the first of many more to come. As there was more evils in the world then just Brotherhood of Evil and they will all be coming after the One Ring now.

So consider this the end of part 1 of Serenity and Aragorn’s adventures!

We lived happily ever after,

The End.