Fresh off the heels of my discovery of some positively horrible Lord of the Rings fan fiction, I now present you with some incredibly terrible Harry Potter fan fiction. I’m really having trouble figuring out which is worse.
Maybe I’m just feeling a bit moody today, but then again maybe it’s because I spent over three hours reading fan fiction and now I think I’ve lost a solid 10 IQ points. I need to pour over the New York Times to try and get it all back.
BTW, do you know that the fan fiction site I linked to above has over 755 thousand submissions on Harry Potter alone?!?
Harry Potter and the Bathroom of Secrets
(author’s name withheld)
My name is the Gryffindor.
From the moment I was born, I remembered I was trained as an assassin.
It was tough, but my master was a stern but just master.
Still, sometimes I would lay awake in bed and hope that one day, I would find my parents and that we could be a family together again. My master told me that if I survive my first mission, he would help me find my parents.
And so I did my first mission (it was easily, it only required me to kill a family of two with a carbomb). And so my master tried to find my parents. But they were already dead.
I realized I was all alone in the world.
I was all alone now, I thought back to happier times…
‘”wait a minute…is that the new forign exchange student?”‘
‘”Whoa…shes pretty isnt she!” said harry’
‘”..and thats one short skirt!”‘
…but it didn’t change the fact I was now alone. All alone.
All alone except me and my master.
My master’s organisation was employed by an illustrious person: he-who-must-not-be-named(voldemort). And one day I came back from school.
I came into the assassin’s hanger
“Master,” I said, “I’m sooo tired of having to go to school. Everyone’s a poser there.”
“Hush, little child,” he said, “I have a new mission for you!”
“Oooh great!” I said with joy, “I’ll get right on it!”
“It is very simple,” the master said as he showed me the map of the iggloo I had to infiltrate.
“First, you need to say a passphrase to a guard there. When he says Exodus, you say Long In The Tooth.”
“Alright I can do that,” I said as I wrote it down.
“And then you need to sneak through the hallways, into the kitchen where a maid has prepared a poisonous Vodka.
“Right, easy,” I said.
“And then you need to give it to the President, and then it will kill him.”
“The President?! I said surprised.
“Yes, we are contracted to kill the President.”
“But President Hermione is a great president!”
“Hush little boy. You have been trained as an assassin to kill people. This must be done.”
“Ok Master,” I said in great turmoil. Because the Master didnt know that… in fact…. I was in love with the witch
I had been to President many times before. Occasionally, on dark evenings when I’m laying alone in bed feeling abandoned by the harsh world, I put on my assassin’s gear and go outside.
Then I visit the President’s palace. I sneak past the guards and I set myself atop a tree branch just before the President’s room and I watch President Hermione sleep.
She looked to peaceful when they were sleeping. As if there was no horror in the world.
As if assassins like me did not exist.
But we do. I feel bad for being the way I am, but I can’t help it.
I was bron an assassin. My parents are dead. There is no love for me in this world.
And now I had to kill the one person that I loved in this world. “Life is unfair,” I sat to myself. And thus I must fulfill my obligation as an assassin.
So I sneaked in and did what the Master told me to do. It was easy.
But when I came to the room with the President, I hesitated. I could not put the poisonous white spirit down. The smartest witch of her year was just too dear to me! I loved the brown eyed girl.
But that moment of doubt became my downfall. As the President turned around and looked me right in the eyes.
Harry?, Hermione said.
My breath stopped, my heart was about to explode and my eyes welled up.
“It’s not what you think!” I said.
But of course it was what Hermione Granger thought. I was an assassin. I had to accept it.
“Oh my god, Harry, not you!” Hermione Granger cried out. Taers welled up in her eyes and soon they came flooding down her cheek.
“Nooooo,” the President said, “I LOVED YOU!” (A/N ZOMG *swoon* Amirite?!)
“I LOVE YOU TOO,” I cried out while I threw the poisonous gin & tonic on the floor.
“LET’S BE TOGETHER FOR ALWAYS.”
“It is Voldemort who is behind this assassination!
And so the President told the army to arrest the evil man.
“I love you so much,” said President Hermione.
“I love you too.” I said.