Category Archives: miscellaneous

Extremely Bad Avatar – The Last Airbender Fan Fiction

I’ve been watching a lot of anime on Gogoanime and other anime sites and getting really into the characters, storylines and tropes of the genre. Recently, I watched The Last Airbender, which is based on the Avatar – The Last Airbender TV series from Nickelodeon. Here is some fan fiction inspired from it.

The Fire Master

One day, Angelique was walking to school when… …a stranger in the street appeared suddenly! “Here’s my autograph!” said Angelique “To be honest, while I did want your autograph…i see..i….i…think your the sexiest person alive, and….” the stranger hesitated! I need your help urgently! You must save us!!” “what?howhu?” “We need someone strong, and intelligent and mighty…you have been chosen!” “But Im not that strong! Im just a weak nerdish school student!”, Angelique said, flexing her muscles. “Well, I always felt there was something weird about me…I never thought i would be assigned a mission like this!”, he lied. “You are the Special. Our magic staff of powercame to us in a dream again and told us to find you” “You must save us from Fire Lord Ozai we dont have the power on our own” “Very well,I suppose I’ll help you” Suddenly, Angelique was sucked into a underground lab. “This is where we have set up our new secret HQ HeadQuaters! “Theres someone that wants me meet you…” At that movement a door slid open with a funny sound…light shined from behind and a shadow stode there “So..this is the one we are after?” “She certainly looks as attractive as we heard” Aang walked out of the light! “Greatings” Angelique was amazed!, always brilliantly modest, Angelique never dream of recieveing such a compliement from great the avatar. “Thank you, its an honour to meet you” “The honour is all mine” “It was clear there was an instant, animal attraction between them…allthough both didnt want to admit it. “wowsers your sexy”. “No time for that now!” said Katara. “We have work to do!” A/N I got bord of writing the fanfic as it was so I decided to change things around. I hope u guys like it!! She was as of yet the most beautifyl thingy in the whole of the water nation, Twinkle Toes believed her to be. As she faigjt the great villianness Fire Lord Ozai, her hair bobbed up and down consistently like a rubber duck in a bathtub. She swipped at the Fire Lord Ozai and was more than anything Aang had seen before. Her beatiful feistful pressure shocked Fire Lord Ozai’s henchmen into copulating before her. Angelique, take my sword! said Aang, and give it to the greatness before us. She will need our legendary sword in order to defeat the great uber-Lord Ozai And lo! Angelique did so and the maginificent great mysterious woman took the sword and stabbed Fire Lord Ozai. He was defeated. But was Fire Lord Ozai? Because as the avatar ran towards the mysterious strange beauty of his draems and was about to share the greatest kiss he had ever given to someomne in the history of mankind, the Fire Lord rose up and fled! And this is where the story ends… It has come… to my attention… that some readers… don’t like my art. They say that it’s…it’s all anti-semetic (sxuz me, but jews are like that!) and racist (I had a black classmate in my class once and he was really stupid lol) . That hurts me a lot. Really… a lot. Do u know how long it takes me to write my stories? Do u think I like it being stuck at home with nothing to do but writing my soul into my art? My favourite show just ended and I was on team Jacob! Writing is the only thing that makes me happy, but if that isn’t good enough for u people, then I’m going to call it quits! Yes, that’s righr! I won’t finish this story! You forced me into this 😦 HAPPY NOW?!!!! I want to thank PrettySnape5 and Tinkersnuggums for beta reading, but I… I… I… just can’t take it anymore. So long internet. I WON”T MISS U!!

Extremely Bad Breaking Bad Fiction

I really miss Breaking Bad on AMC. It was a great TV series and I loved watching the character of Walter White get more and more evil as the series progressed. I put together some fan fiction to honor the show!
Breaking Bad: Walt VS Todd – SHOWDOWN
Nothing was darker than the stars, the old sage had told Walt. And he also told Walter that virtue is the best property in a person. And that Walt could be the legendery Chosen One that the prophesies of old and dank and darkness had spoken about.
Oh yes, the Prophecy. That what had made White lay awake at nights. Of course Skyler had asked what was up with Walter.
“Of course,” Walter White would always say, “there is nothing going on, dear. Go back to sleep.” And in their minds they’d fill in “You don’t have to worry about the terrible burden I will have to carry for the rest of my life” Because everyone knows, prophesies have a nasty way of coming true. And this one was about to come true spectacularly. AUTHORS NOTE: I HAVE SKIPED THE JORNEY BIT, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE BOREING..NO AUTHOR WRITES STORYS ABOUT TRAVELING! *yawn*! ‘
“We are almost there. ” said White as they arrived near there journeys end.’ “Arhhhhhhhhhhhh” said Jesse as he fall down a cliff. “Nooooo…..” “There there, it will be ok” “No..This is something…you cannot ease” “Why?” “You dont have boobs!” “oh” “Does this help?” said Skyler. She removed her outer garments, unbuttoned her top, and finally removed her bra. Jesse stared at them awhile, and it made him feel much better. “Don’t worry, I feel better.” What happened next was soo cool you will like it a lot, basically, it went like this: Only it was even cooler because i didnt have to write it! When it was in my head the words didnt get in the way. btw, Excuse me if i skip the words occasionally, its to save me time.
Ok, after they finished with the tonic they went to the base where the final battle started when they got there. Dont worry! The bad guy dies! Now, how to find him? We know he has a skyscrapper, but theres so many!” “Wait!”, said Morningstar Lightbringer. “I have worked it out. Remember the secret note? Its a code to tell us the address! Look, see I solved it. The solution was very clever, and it all made sense. “Wow, I could have never worked that out, well done” “Yes, well done indeed” So they went to the base. As they entered there was lots of Mercenaryss.
So they swung back their trenchcoats and murdercided them all with their concealed rockets of awesome(but no one died!). . “Ok, he is sure to be in the penthouse sweet in his mansion ” said Saul pressing the correct elevator button The elevator went up a few floors. SUDDENLY there was a bang on the roof! “down!” shouted Marie. And they did. Which is just as well, because seconds later… The hatch opened and a couple of loyal followerss with bazookas pirouetted down. “oh god! What are we going to do!?” said Jesse “We gota think fast” said Saul. “Ok” “I know you dont like violence, Walter White, But you have to do this. Do it for me. please..” Said Morningstar Lightbringer “Ok, your right, I know we have to fight them” said Walt who did a massive mighty super kirate kick just as the first soldier landed which knocked them unconscious.
“Nice work. But its not over yet! Look!” A massive mercenarys appeared, but they killed him. Ding! They had reached their floor. “So you have come” said a voice booming from the sky A hangglider appeared above them. Todd Alquist laughed at them from it. “Ha Ha Ha Ha” “I could gun you all down from here with my ozis, but I would rather do this…personal style.” he leaped down and landed at the far side of the rooftop “Ready?” he said, still laughing. Walter White removed his shirt and flexed his abs.
“Yes. I am ready. ” With that they leaped at eachother, metaphorical guns blazzing (which were littoral webley revolvers). “I kill you dead” Todd head butted Walter White in the chest Walt fell backwards in pain punching a few times before crashing to the ground. “Ha Ha Ha Ha” laughed Todd Alquist “You could never have defeated me, so why did you even try?” “I had too, for all that is good and just in the world.” “Well now you will die. Goodbye.” Todd leaned over White holding a large rock.
“Quick Walt use this!” said Morningstar Lightbringer ,chucking a nearby tree towards Walt. White grabbed it and chucked it towards Todd hard, knocking him backwards….off the edge of the tall mansion they were on! “Goodbye, Todd have a nice fall!” “ARrrrrgggg” “We are safe now, he fell to certain doom.” Jesse and Saul got out from the bush where they were cuddleing. “Thank you, you saved us all” “Dont mention it.” So they left the tower and went home. They lived happily ever after and had lots of kids. The End

Staying Away from Streaming

I try to stay away from streaming sites like Couch Tuner. These sites make their money by doing all kinds of bad things with ads. You can get malware or viruses that then create all of those super-annoying pop-up ads.

I like this explanation on Reddit, which I have copied part of here. It does a good job of explaining how the free streaming web sites make money from bad ads.

Imagine that out of the people who visit websites with those ads, 50% of them see the ads. Now imagine out of those who see them, 1% click on them by accident and 0.5% click on them on purpose (e.g. they are computer illiterate, don’t realize what they’re doing, think they’re legitimate, etc.). In reality those numbers are actually a bit higher, but even pretending they aren’t, we’ve just said that 0.75% of the people who visit that website click on those ads. If, say, 1/3 of all computers are unsecured (or the user bypasses the security warnings without realizing what they’re doing), we have 0.25% of the people who visit those websites actually becoming infected with whatever virus it is.

Now let’s say that the websites this ad is on have an average of 2,000 visitors each day and that the ad is on 20 websites: that’s 40,000 viewers per day. 40,000 * 0.25% = 100 people per day who get infected by that virus. Again, in reality, a lot of those numbers are MUCH higher (the virus uses multiple fake ads, more websites, more viewers, etc.)

Now how do they make money off of this? Well, a lot of those viruses show ads of their own. Some of them try to get you to pay money for them to remove the ad. Some of them are paid by other virus creators to install their viruses. Some of them sell your cpu time to botnets. Some of them steal your passwords and then sell your accounts/steal your money/etc. Whatever it is, they find some way to monetize these users.

In the end, it’s just a numbers game: while most people may not click on the ads, and a lot of the people who do may not actually install the virus, there are a lot of people that see the ad every day. If even a few of those people install the virus every day, the ad-maker is golden. And once that’s happened it’s not too hard to monetize.

Pretty nasty stuff, right?

Extremely Bad Game of Thrones Fan Fiction

Game of Thrones season 7 is now done and gone, leaving us to wait for the final season to arrive. The wait might be long. Longer than Winter.

All we’re left to do is ponder season 7’s storylines and this interesting finding from the Telegraph that season 7 was the least naked. Only 6 naked people this season–compared to 33 from season 1!

If you haven’t seen all of season 7 yet, you can watch it on HBO Go (if you’re a subscriber), or find it streamed on CouchTuner and its alternative sites.

In the meantime, here is some extremely bad fan fiction about Game of Thrones to keep you occupied. That is, if you dare to read it. It centers on Arya and imagines how things might play out if she, Bran, Sansa and Robb were all reunited.


Arya Strikes Out

It was a dark and snowy night. Arya had been bored, so bored, you wouldn’t believe it.
She had been there together in the room with Bran and Sansa. Normally they could perfectly entertain each other(as they very much did each other the night before), but not this time. And to make matters worse, it was almost impossible to go to town. It was too snowy, too dark.

“Urgh,” said Bran, “I wish King Goffrey would attack. At least we’d have something to do.”

Sansa agreed, “I agree,” she said and started throwing mobile phone at the wall, just to catch it again when it bounced off. “Uuuurgh,” she then said as well, because she agreed with Bran, “Don’t you know anything to do, Arya?”

“Well, I could do you again.” Arya said who felt very lesbian at that moment.
Sansa liked that very much and for a moment, they did each other (under the aproving gaze of Bran who whipped out his Tool and played along on the beat of the others.
But admittedly, that only entertained them for the next three hours. Something else had to be found, Arya knew

Arya’s gaze went down the room, past Crusifix and a stack of anime collections. Then Her eye fell onto a lone empty bottle they had used the evening before.

I know,” said Arya, “How about we play……………spin…the….BOTTLE!”

“What a superb idea”

“Oh year!”

Brienne and Robb also peaked up “Yeaaaah!”

So they all sad down and Arya took the bottle first. Hilariously, it landed on Robb, but Arya thought Robb was quite a bit too creepy and really didn’t want to kiss the man. She hoped the others might have mistook it for landing on Sansa, but judging the howls of laughter and the rising anticrepation in the room, they probably didn’t.

“But but don’t you all see it really landed on Sansa?”

“Laaawl no, u shuld kiss Robb,” said Sansa. The fact that she said it made Arya feel rejected 😦

But then, all the sudden…. King Goffrey attacked!

Arya and her team went carefully through Winterfell. Arya looked very sexy, Her nipples perked, firm and erect. Her leather coat bilbogged in the breeze, extrapolating Her sex mess. “It is time”, She said, Her voice having a British nationality.

“Yes, It is time to defeat King Goffrey once and for all.” said Robb . He wore a Black corset covered in roses and a nice hat. His nails were iridescent black and he had a ruby skull ring on.He looked as hot as a Chilli!

And then they rushed into the base. Brienne roundhouse kicked a mook and then punched one with her glock. It exploded and she held up her middle finger to the explosion. Brienne then used her holy holy magics and summoned a giant bloody cross scythe that glowed black. She sliced everyone but it was okay because she dodged her friend. Blood spurted and went on everything, making a star of david one the walls. A rock bounced off King Goffrey as he entered, LOOKING FUCKING PISSSSED.

“How dared you! I will kill u!!!!!!111!!!” he shoouted and took out a flame thrower (A/N geddit?)

The fight was epic. Things burned black. Brienne and King Goffrey got distracted and started kissing in the corner but then one died.

Arya ejaculated at the King Goffrey, “LOOK BEHIND YOU!”

And then he looked and Arya ripped him in half.

The End

Extremely Bad Dr. Who Fan Fiction

The world needs a little more Dr. Who fan fiction, even if it’s really bad. Maybe not as bad as 24 fan fiction or Harry Potter fan fiction, but still pretty much awful.

The Day of Children

A/N: The following story is a sequel to
“Forbidden Passions of Rory”

You should be able to understand this story without reading that one, but for the full character arcs and to get all the references you should read both.
Our story starts in Tardis, a normal town where nothing much happens….
The redhead felt really depressed one day. She had just found out that she was adopted. Her real parents turned out to be nobles from Europe. They had a upper class tower and were mighty rich! But she had none of that richness around. It made her feel pretty bad about herself so she listened to some good music.

But long she did not have to be depressed as The Doctor came in and kissed her (they had fallen in love at the end of the story see). And he said: “I love you so much, it hurts. What is wrong with you? If you feel bad then I feel bad.”

So the redhead told him the whole story. He was shocked to hear this and said “I’m really shocked to hear this! Your parents are monsters!”

“Which ones?”

“All four of them, I don’t like them. As much as I don’t like Rose!”

And that was a lot because Amy Pond knew that The Doctor hated Tyler because she was unbelievably stupid and fat.

But The Doctor took out a letter, “this had just arrived,” said the madman.

Amy Pond opened the envelope and inside was an invitation:

“Most Esteemed the redhead said the message”

“You are cordially invited to the royal ball of your parents. Your real parents, miss.”

“We hope to see you soon. Most esteemly yours, dutchess!”

Oh my, said Amy this is rad!. But The Doctor was a little sceptic: “Maybe it’s a trick.”

“Why?” said Amy

“Because there are…. rumours. Of the evil Timelord still being around!”

“Surely he could not come all the way to Europe!?” said Amy confidently because she didn’t think that the master could travel that far.

“Hurm,” said The Doctor contagiously, “we just have to be careful.”

“Hold on,” exlciamed Amy, there is something else in the invitation!

“Princess Amy, hereby we also bestow upon you the keys to the cage of a flying unicorn your parents have provided you with. Also, whenever you hold this key in your hand, your powers are increased”

Amy was really happy with that but also felt a little bad for The Doctor. After they had a relaction ship, The Doctor had taught her his TimeTravel and she picked it up really well! She was now even better at The Doctor at the TimeTravel!

So they went and picked up the flying unicorn. It was really quick and agile and flew around them like it really enjoyed itself! It took a moment but with enough training and perversion, the redhead trained it to her will! Now they could go and visit their parents!

But little did they know that the invitation was not from Amy’s European noble parents, but from the blonde instead! And she had teamed up with the master!

Suddenly the Tardis went broke!…
..But he used his own energy to fix it.

A/N I got bored with the story and started messing around with some maps on Minecraft instead of writing but then I read this really cool story about putting the characters in high school! It will be full of love and family issues and other cool stuff@

the master is like the school bully but everyone likes Him. And The Doctor is like the loaner who just does snakeboard tricks on his own because no one likes him. It’s really unfair to The Doctor because he is really cool actually but no one at the school knows about his superpowers.

The Doctor was in class. He was paying well attention because the Timelord wanted to go to the best universities. But like always, annoying the master was being an meany as always. He was annoying other people in class and the teacher but his rep protected him. Until The Doctor could take it no more.

The enigmatic man stood up and said: “Look, that you want to spend the rest of ur life in a call center aint my problem!”

the other Gallifreyan stopped and looked at hero with fury. Others in the class gasped. No one said that to the other Gallifreyan (althoguh everyone ws secrfetly thinking that).
The master laughed and got up from his seat and grinned masly. “What do you want,pointdexter? are u here to tell me what to do, huh?”

the madman in a blue box gulped. He had not thought of what to do next now.
But then Amy and Rory rose from their seats too. The madman looked at them. they nodded back at him and with their arms crossed they looked like they could take the other Gallifreyan on!

And when The Doctor looked on his right, he saw that the teacher had hid himself behind the desk. Even the teacher thought it was suicide to confront the other Gallifreyan like this!

So the master rose up and walked to the madman and he said: “I will see you after school. In my turf. U know where to find it!”

“I’ll be there, said the last Gallifreyan certain of himself!

And the evil Timelord left, leaving behind a trail of cold and shivers went down The Doctor’s spine. This wasn’t going to end well.

The Doctor followed the screaming till he reached his brother, who was being tortured.

“The Doctor! Over here! quick! help me! It hurts”

Then The Doctor saw the final boss, who had been torturing his brother.

The Timelord shot bullets from his phaser really fast and the bullets went WAM! and hit the master in the eyes and then he couldn’t see.

The Doctor said “Eat This!” and punched the other Gallifreyan in the eye and the the other Gallifreyan went to his knees.

The last Gallifreyan said “He is dead now, you is safe”

“Thank you!”

“Glad I could help, brother”

“But you should come earlier next time!” and they laughed.

Extremely Bad 24 Fan Fiction

I’ve highlighted some terrible Harry Potter Fan Fiction. I’ve highlighted some really awful Lord of the Rings fan fiction. Could it get any worse?

Yep. Welcome to the world of extremely bad 24 Fan Fiction.

24 was a popular TV Show on the FOX Network. It debuted on November 6, 2001, shortly after the September 11 terrorist attacks.

The show followed a simple format. Each episode tracked one hour in the day of Jack Bauer, the hero.

Here, as promised, is some terrible Fan Fiction. I hope it came out ok, especially with the images. I had problems taking a screenshot on my Mac with some of them.

24 : The Revenge of The power station  launch codes

The following takes place between 8:00 and 7 pm

On a cold September, after his great adventures, Jack was wondering what to do that week. He had picked up his life from where he left it and wanted to make something from it. Then all the sudden a strange woman appeared on Jack’s doorstep. She was hidden beneath a long cloak and had long brown nails on her fingers. Her dirty hair fluished down from beneath the cloak and she had glowing eyes!

“You are not who you think you are!” said the strange woman.

“What do you mean?” said Jack

“You are not who you think you are,” she said again with a mysterious crackling voice like a bad radio transmission.

“I still don’t understand you?” said Jack Bauer.

“Here, take this,” she said and gave Jack an alarm clock.

“Take this and give it to your parents or guardian, they will know what to do with it!”

And with that she disappeared before Bauer’s eyes!

Bauer was confused but thought that he had to do something. But rather than going to his parents or guardian, Jack decided to show it to Aaron Pierce.

“Oh no,” said Aaron Pierce, “you must forget about this!”

“Why?” enquired Jack Bauer,  “what do you know?!”

“I… I can’t tell you. My dear Jack, I didn’t think it would be this soon!”

“What?!” yelled Bauer, “are you keeping things away from me?!”

“It’s …. it’s for your own good! You cannot know this!” said Aaron Pierce and before Jack could do anything, Aaron Pierce had escaped his grasp.

“No! Dammit! When will I ever know the truth?!”

Jack was feeling depressed. One of his best friends abandoned and betrayed him. It hurt. So Bauer wanted to find Jillian Fibbs. After their adventure, Jack and Jillian Fibbs had been spending a lot of time together. Jack kind of started to like her.

So Jack went to Jillian Fibbs and told the whole story. She listened to Bauer without saying a single word.

Then she said: “WTF, this is sooo big”

And Jack said: I know! Do you know a way to find out what is happening? Why is everyone hiding things from me?!”

Jillian Fibbs sighed and said: “You have always been special, Jack and not just to me.”

“How do you know that?”

Jillian Fibbs looked at the teddy Bear that Jack had received and said: “it kind of looks like the power station  launch codes, doesn’t it?”

“could be…but it might not be…but, yeah,certainly it might be”

“Whatever it is, I can recognise it quite well. And I think,” Jillian Fibbs said, “that perhaps the mysterious woman wanted you to find something inside of you.

“Inside? Like my heart?”

“No, don’t be silly, like a mamory. Think about it, if your parents lied to you and now Aaron Pierce doesn’t want to talk to you about your background, perhaps there is a hidden memory in your head!”

Jillian’s logic was flawless. So Jack had to try it!

So Jack Bauer concentrated on the object. immeditately he felt drawn into it. It stated ouit as a vague, fuzzy thing like when you wear glasses and there is a lot of moisture in the air and you see a TV on the horizon.

But then it turned out that there was a secret memory, hidden beneath the vail layer of self-loving in his head.

And within that memory, a burning figure appeared. It was the terrorists! In hell…

Jack was confused. He didn’t think that memory would be in there, and yet it was there, burning like the heart of a newborn star and the centre of the earth.

“You know, I think the terrorist’s naphew would be better bustier don’t you think?”  said Jillian.

“No, you have to understand he is longer than some Gameboys.” replied Jillian.


“What ARE you talking about?” said Jack.

And they all laughed.

Suddenly, meanwhile, Kim got kidnapped!

Jack had to rescue her so  they could live happly ever after again!.

He had to get her back quickly because  he was on the run again from CTU…OMG!!!.

Suddenly Tony appeared from a sewer (like the Turtles!!! You know, i might do a crossover one day! ~ ED.’

‘”Jack! I must give you this”‘

Jack was handed a Star Of David.

‘”This is VERY important! I have to go! All will be explained later”‘

(Maybe in parts 5 or 9, if I have time,24 kinda sucks really, Im going to do my story over 72 hours and 13 parts. But to make it easier ill skip the boring things by not makeing it real time! Neat idea or wot?)

Our heroes arrived at the central district.

“How will we find where he is based in this big city?”

“We will never find him.”

“Maybe not, look…there!”

Behind them was a massive blimp sign with the terrorists Corp scribbled upon it in bold .

So they found where he was,and entered the spaceelivator…

As they entered, it was strangely and creepily abandoned. 

“Come on” said Jack Bauer

“Right behind you” said Jillian Fibbs bravely steping forward

..and then they went on their way!

“Lets take the ventalation shaft!”

“Thats a good plan, so we can sneak to the roof undetected”

So they got into the ventilation shaft. 

Jillian Fibbs was shy, but decided to remove all her cloths anyway. Jillian Fibbs noticed Jacks erection, but didnt say anything They traveled upto the roof, ver the ducks, thus avoiding the security systems because they are smart.

We are here, said Jack Bauer crawling out the duck, and putting his shirt on.

“So you have come” said a voice booming from the sky

A hot air-balloon appeared above them.

The terrorists laughed at them from it.

“Ha Ha Ha Ha”

“I could gun you all down from here with my ak-74, but I would rather do this…personal style.”

he leaped down and landed at the far side of the rooftop

“Ready?” he said, still laughing.

Jack Bauer removed his shirt and flexed his abs.

“Yes. I am ready. ”

With that they leaped at eachother, metaphorical guns blazzing (which were littoral machettes).

“I kill you dead”

the terrorists head butted Jack in the chest

Bauer fell backwards in pain punching a few times before crashing to the ground.

“Ha Ha Ha Ha” laughed the terrorists

“You could never have defeated me, so why did you even try?”

“I had too, for all that is good and just in the world.”

“Well now you will die. Goodbye.”

the terrorists leaned over Jack holding a large rock.

“Quick Jack Bauer use this!” said Jillian Fibbs, chucking a nearby sussage towards Bauer.

Bauer grabbed it and chucked it towards the terrorists hard, knocking him backwards….off the edge of the tall skyscrapper they were on!

“Goodbye, the terrorists have a nice fall!”


“We are safe now, he fell to certain doom.”

Tony and Aaron Pierce got out from the bush where they were cuddleing. “Thank you, you saved us all”

“Dont mention it.”

So they left the tower and went home. They lived happily ever after and had lots of kids.

The End

Extremely Bad Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Fresh off the heels of my discovery of some positively horrible Lord of the Rings fan fiction, I now present you with some incredibly terrible Harry Potter fan fiction. I’m really having trouble figuring out which is worse.

Maybe I’m just feeling a bit moody today, but then again maybe it’s because I spent over three hours reading fan fiction and now I think I’ve lost a solid 10 IQ points. I need to pour over the New York Times to try and get it all back.

BTW, do you know that the fan fiction site I linked to above has over 755 thousand submissions on Harry Potter alone?!?

Harry Potter and the Bathroom of Secrets

(author’s name withheld)

My name is the Gryffindor.

From the moment I was born, I remembered I was trained as an assassin.

It was tough, but my master was a stern but just master.

Still, sometimes I would lay awake in bed and hope that one day, I would find my parents and that we could be a family together again. My master told me that if I survive my first mission, he would help me find my parents.

And so I did my first mission (it was easily, it only required me to kill a family of two with a carbomb). And so my master tried to find my parents. But they were already dead.

I realized I was all alone in the world.

I was all alone now, I thought back to happier times…

‘”wait a minute…is that the new forign exchange student?”‘

‘”Whoa…shes pretty isnt she!” said harry’

‘”..and thats one short skirt!”‘

‘”Heya Harry!”‘

…but it didn’t change the fact I was now alone. All alone.
All alone except me and my master.

My master’s organisation was employed by an illustrious person: he-who-must-not-be-named(voldemort). And one day I came back from school.

I came into the assassin’s hanger

“Master,” I said, “I’m sooo tired of having to go to school. Everyone’s a poser there.”

“Hush, little child,” he said, “I have a new mission for you!”

“Oooh great!” I said with joy, “I’ll get right on it!”

“It is very simple,” the master said as he showed me the map of the iggloo I had to infiltrate.

“First, you need to say a passphrase to a guard there. When he says Exodus, you say Long In The Tooth.”

“Alright I can do that,” I said as I wrote it down.

“And then you need to sneak through the hallways, into the kitchen where a maid has prepared a poisonous Vodka.

“Right, easy,” I said.

“And then you need to give it to the President, and then it will kill him.”

“The President?! I said surprised.

“Yes, we are contracted to kill the President.”

“But President Hermione is a great president!”

“Hush little boy. You have been trained as an assassin to kill people. This must be done.”

“Ok Master,” I said in great turmoil. Because the Master didnt know that… in fact…. I was in love with the witch

I had been to President many times before. Occasionally, on dark evenings when I’m laying alone in bed feeling abandoned by the harsh world, I put on my assassin’s gear and go outside.

Then I visit the President’s palace. I sneak past the guards and I set myself atop a tree branch just before the President’s room and I watch President Hermione sleep.

She looked to peaceful when they were sleeping. As if there was no horror in the world.
As if assassins like me did not exist.

But we do. I feel bad for being the way I am, but I can’t help it.

I was bron an assassin. My parents are dead. There is no love for me in this world.

And now I had to kill the one person that I loved in this world. “Life is unfair,” I sat to myself. And thus I must fulfill my obligation as an assassin.

So I sneaked in and did what the Master told me to do. It was easy.

But when I came to the room with the President, I hesitated. I could not put the poisonous white spirit down. The smartest witch of her year was just too dear to me! I loved the brown eyed girl.

But that moment of doubt became my downfall. As the President turned around and looked me right in the eyes.

Harry?, Hermione said.

My breath stopped, my heart was about to explode and my eyes welled up.

“It’s not what you think!” I said.

But of course it was what Hermione Granger thought. I was an assassin. I had to accept it.

“Oh my god, Harry, not you!” Hermione Granger cried out. Taers welled up in her eyes and soon they came flooding down her cheek.

“Nooooo,” the President said, “I LOVED YOU!” (A/N ZOMG *swoon* Amirite?!)

“I LOVE YOU TOO,” I cried out while I threw the poisonous gin & tonic on the floor.



“It is Voldemort who is behind this assassination!

And so the President told the army to arrest the evil man.

“I love you so much,” said President Hermione.

“I love you too.” I said.