Tag Archives: story

Extremely Bad Lord of the Rings Fan Fiction

Here’s an exceptionally bad piece of Fan Fiction I encountered recently. The actual author wishes to remain anonymous out of pure shame. Read on and see why. I cannot abide by this terrible writing.

Lord of the Rings: One Ring of Wonder

We now turn out headlights to full beam in order to gaze forward though the mists of time.
The light from them reflects off, not a deer, but a scene 10 years from now – one decade into the future.

Arwen Undmiel enters the scene, but what’s this? The strong woman is there too.

“Do you remember that thing that happened 10 years ago? The one that seemed like it would split us apart forever, but instead brought us closer then ever? That brought us……to each-other?”

“The time with the One Ring?”

“Yes!”

“Oh, yes right”

“Its hard to believe what happened isn’t it? What happened and what it led to”

“Yes my sweetness” said The female Elf, giving The beautiful woman a kiss.

“Now that I have remembered it again I will never forget it.”

“It was pretty life changing.”

So we now dim our headlights and reverse drive back to the presence, the mists closing back around the future and the camera of our mind drawing back to the world we know of as the now.

This is the story of one loan heroes struggle to overcome to the forces of evil. This indestructable heroes name: Aragorn!”

lotr-party

Meanwhile, back in the future, Arwen and the blonde were enjoying each other.

As the narrator, I will respect their privacy and not specify how. Its certainly clear they were close.

Not just metaphorically but physically with their bodies as well.

The strong woman was distracted though, thinking back to the past. We join her on her flashback, a flashback to our story in the present……


Hi.
My name is Serenity and this is my story.

A year ago got a job working for NATO. I am just a intern, but already I am fitting in like “one of the boys” (I am a girl though!)

In fact my boss, Steve, has taken a real shine to me and has said he will let me play around with one of NATOs big things.

I cant wait!

Despite working at NATO, I am also friends with Aragorn and most of his entourage. I know Aragorn and Arwen and Galadriel and Legolas and Boromir. I met them all awhile ago in my backstory and these days I had known them awhile.

I call on them for help quite often.

By co-incidence, this was one of those times!

“Hay Serenity we need the help of you and the NATO again”
“Sure thing the ranger my man you know you can count on the NATO!”

After that I put down the phone and started telling everyone else whats up.
“Ok, gang” I said to the rest of NATO.

“Aragorn has asked for our help. It seems Brotherhood of Evil is up to their old tricks, and we are the best people to take them down!”

“They are after the Ring, but we have to get there first else we are all doomed to a hellish futurpoclypse!”

“What do we do?” said NATO

“That’s easy. We do what the NATO always does – fight evil”

Now it was tomorrow and I was assembling my team.

I first choose Strider, who I had called in specially as our outside expert.

I then choose Serenity as they were good at stuff.

Also Bob from our private army so we had someone disposable who wouldn’t be needed in future stories.

I also choose myself, due to my all around abilities.

After everyone was chosen me and The Heir of Isildur started planning.

We were in the main planning room, there was a huge whiteboard, a projector, a screen, holograms and a blackboard.

This was the room where NATO planned stuff.

Much of the good work we did started here.

Like the time we defeated Sauron and converted him to good and made him work for us.
Or the time we saved the world from that rogue planet.

Or the time we saved Christmas.

I got out my pen and paper and started discussing the plan.

“I have been doing research and stuff in our database library. The One Ring is hidden inside Brussels”

“Ahh…it makes so much sense! Why didn’t we think of it before!” said Aragorn

“The clues where written in a ancient language”

“oh, right, of course”

“Now what?” said Arwen

“Now we leave for Brussels!”

With that we all got onto the NATO Jump-Jet and flue to the distant city of Brussels!


And now, with that, we once again turn our head-brains to the future, stepping forward down the road of time and walking for 10 years until we get to the place in time which this takes place.

The long haired woman and The female Elf were just finishing. Out of respect for their privacy I will not specify what they were just finishing.

“arg…that was good ” said The female Elf.

“yes, yes it was” said The beautiful woman.

“You seemed a little distracted near the end though. Not your normal energetic self”

“yes…sorry about that. I was thinking back to a decade ago, when I first realized my feelings for you even though I didn’t know it at the time.

Its what opened my eyes to what I felt all along. The missing jigsaw piece to my heart in which you were the key to unlock”

“And our love grew together from that moment to blossom into the great tree that it is today”

“I love you The black haired woman my irresistibleness”.
“I love you too Lady Finarfin -my better half.

And they smiled the smile of lovers at each-other, as we fade out into the sunset.
Once we got to Brussels we decided to split up, with me and Strider finding where the One Ring was hidden and the rest doing something which doesn’t mater for the story.

Me and Aragorn explored the town, checking out all the nightclubs and skyscrapers in Brussels.

Eventually, after I had done enough teamwork, I found where the Ring was hidden.
It was inside a new church in the dead center of Brussels.

“Look! Its the One Ring!”

“But Sauron is here already! whats going on?”

At that moment the sorceror spotted us and came over.

“Mahaha it was me! I was Brotherhood of Evil all along!”

“What?” we said in shock..

“While you and your goody-two-shoes NATO were being all ‘la-de-da’ “we are good guys” la-de-da’, I was being Brotherhood of Evil!

And now I have the Ring there is nothing you can do to stop me! Even with Aragorn to help you! your powerless”

The man of lies grinned evily at me.

“oh, noees Serenity, what will we do now?! ” said The longhaired man.

“Dont worry, we still got time. Activating the One Ring takes time. If we both Destiny together we can take Sauron/Brotherhood of Evil out! ”

“On the count of 3! 1 2 3 GO!”

With that we both Destiny together right into Brotherhood of Evils face.

Brotherhood of Evil stagged backwards.

“Nooooo you cant!”

“Again quick! while they are stunned”.

So we did it again. “Bam! Pow!”

“Noooo!”

With that Brotherhood of Evil died.

“We did it! Brotherhood of Evil is defeated once and for all! Thank you Serenity!”

Me and Aragorn celebrated are victory. But it was only the first of many more to come. As there was more evils in the world then just Brotherhood of Evil and they will all be coming after the One Ring now.

So consider this the end of part 1 of Serenity and Aragorn’s adventures!

We lived happily ever after,

The End.

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The Sleet that Rained like Drinking Rabbits

I’m not really much of a writer, but here is a short story I’m working on. I typed it up using Bear, which I just previewed this week. Hope you enjoy it. I’m putting together an archive of my poems and stories here (use WinRAR to uncompress the file).

OK…on to the story…

Warwick Olsson was thinking about Tommy Walker again. Tommy was a forgetful friend with ruddy warts and sloppy spots.

Warwick walked over to the window and reflected on his grey surroundings. He had always loved grand Glasgow with its knotty, knobby kettles. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel anxious.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the a forgetful figure of Tommy Walker.

Warwick gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a violent, spiteful, wine drinker with ginger warts and sticky spots. His friends saw him as a regurgitated, raw rover. Once, he had even helped a colorful old lady recover from a flying accident.

But not even a violent person who had once helped a colorful old lady recover from a flying accident, was prepared for what Tommy had in store today.

The sleet rained like drinking rabbits, making Warwick relaxed. Warwick grabbed a ribbed knife that had been strewn nearby; he massaged it with his fingers.

As Warwick stepped outside and Tommy came closer, he could see the outstanding glint in his eye.

Tommy gazed with the affection of 1296 spiteful mutated mice. He said, in hushed tones, “I love you and I want a fight.”

Warwick looked back, even more relaxed and still fingering the ribbed knife. “Tommy, I admire your eyebrows,” he replied.

They looked at each other with barmy feelings, like two high-pitched, horrible hamsters hopping at a very greedy engagement party, which had orchestral music playing in the background and two popular uncles hopping to the beat.

Warwick studied Tommy’s ruddy warts and sloppy spots. Eventually, he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” began Warwick in apologetic tones, “but I don’t feel the same way, and I never will. I just don’t love you Tommy.”

Tommy looked confident, his emotions raw like a breezy, boiling blade. He began to sing a song he had crafted after too many beers and late nights listening to the Beatles.

“Oh yeah, I’ll tell you something,
I think you’ll understand.
When I’ll say that something,
I want to hold your bicycle pump,
I want to hold your bicycle pump,
I want to hold your bicycle pump.

Oh please, say to me,
You’ll let me fly a jet.
And please, say to me,
You’ll let me fall in love.
Now let me hold your bicycle pump,
I want to hold your bicycle pump.

Imagine there’s no bottles.
It’s easy if you try.
No books in the police station,
Above us only tripods.
Imagine all the people,
Living for their families…

You may say I’m a tired,
But I’m not the only one.
I hope someday you’ll join us,
And the world will become a safe place to live.

All you need is to rule the world.
All you need is to rule the world.
All you need is to rule the world, to rule the world.
To rule the world is all you need.

We all live in our red truck,
Red truck, red truck,
We all live in our red truck,
Red truck, red truck.

Oh yeah!”

Warwick could actually hear Tommy’s emotions shatter into pieces. Then the forgetful friend hurried away into the distance.

Not even a glass of wine would calm Warwick’s nerves tonight.